Someone’s mindset determines how they think and behave most of the time. It’s where they’re coming from. It’s how they treat just about everyone. The bully’s mindset is our topic today, and next week we’ll move to the tactics they use.

Having these traits doesn’t necessarily mean a person is a bully, but all bullies think in the following ways because hurting others is their mindset.

They try to cut us off from friends, fun, security and ultimately our own sense of self.

FRIENDS

Triangulation and Shouldering Out: People bond over a commonality. In triangulation and shouldering out, they bond over a common enemy or outsider.

Ego Binge: The bully wins when they take others down. Beating an adversary or competitor is a way for anyone to feel like they’ve won, but it’s the only way a bully feels they’ve won. They might break a past personal best record, but this will mean little to nothing to them because they want to feel better than others. Being better than their past self isn’t enough. Unfair comparisons: This comes out of a competitive mindset. Who’s best, strongest, smartest, unrealistic standards.

FUN

Resist and Reject Positivity: Their mantra is keep it negative. They won’t laugh (unless it’s to belittle), won’t play along (unless it’s to gang up), won’t accept (unless it’s to create in-group/out-group), won’t try new things (unless it’s to make fun of them), won’t listen (unless it’s predatory listening), won’t empathize (unless it’s manipulative).

Isolate: The bully feels deeply disconnected from others. They are always in it alone, and their targets must be as well. Deep down bullies crave connection and friendship and because they believe they can’t get it without coercion and control, they opt for the next best thing: control. They understand isolation well and use it to divide you from good people, good feelings and a good time.

SECURITY

Aggressive or Passive Aggressive: The point here is to be against something but not in favor of something else. Aggression is for going against something or someone in a direct way. Passive aggression is to do the same thing but in a way that goes undetected. Both are destructive (tearing down) not constructive (building up). Assertiveness can look a lot like aggression, but it’s different in that the intent behind it is collaborative repair and constructiveness.

Victimize: If someone else feels disempowered it translates as power to a bully as long as the bully feels superior to the victim and especially if they were the one who victimized the victim. Bullies also love to play the victim so that they can blame their target. Threat and blame are two ways to take away another’s sense of security.

SENSE OF SELF

Cause You To Second Guess: they call into question our feelings, opinions, preferences, sense of the situation or memory of what happened before. Tell you how you feel, what you think, who you like, what you’re worth. This is imposing a mood or frame on you.

Gossip: Talking about the things that will keep people down. Not just the people being gossiped about but the listening gossipers too. Negative topics that bring about shame, fear, anger, guilt keep people lower than the bully in the minds of others and in their own minds.