The Bully Food Challenge

Never accuse a bully of being a bully! Why? Because it gives them more power, and all they have to do is deny it. Whenever we accuse the bully, they’ll always deny it, and they usually do so by saying, “I’m only kidding…" OR "It was just a joke..”By saying it was just a joke, they get themself off the hook and diminish their target once again by pretending the target has no reason to be upset.This is what we’re getting into today. How do we deal with the most predictable form denial: I was just kidding OR It was only a joke?Here’s how to turn their joke around on them when they hit you with "I'm kidding!":Say, “Oh great, so I can just ignore you.” “Oh you’re not serious. Good to know.”OR you can turn them into the joke:Ask, “Okay, so when you (list out what they did), you were trying to be funny? Okay.”But remember, it’s always better to NOT accuse them in the first place. If you already did and they claimed they’re just kidding then use that last bits of advice.However, right when you suspect they are being sarcastic or passive aggressive (before you accuse them of anything), use this approach instead:“When you——, do you really mean——?”The difference is you’ll put yourself in the position of judge vs victim by calling them out be accusing them.Always call them out as the judge would versus accuse them as a victim would.

Narrate the Scene InsteadI’ve told the story about where the concept of BF came from…You never want to accuse your bully of bullying directly—you might as well tell them they’ve won.Calling them a bully is giving them a title of power—it says you hold power over me, you're scary.Instead calmly describe what they do and what you do in a matter-of-fact way.Keep these three steps in mind:Be carefree--big body language, upright posture, open gestures and a take it or leave it attitude.Make sure your body matches your words—leave me alone while walking away—you’re annoying while rolling your eyes.And the final punch: Describe the scene like the narrator of a storyBreak down what's going on for the bully and everyone who happens to be around. It puts you in the power position because you're telling, not pleading, asking, whining or accusing.Rather than complaining and whining, which is weak, CALL them out.And just in case the bully doesn't really know what they're doing is wrong or that you consider them a bully, you'll shine a light on their actions for all to see.Show the whole world it's the bully who keeps coming back for more even though you’ve moved on.You’re relaxed, over it, bored…I’ve dropped the rope but you just keep on pulling, Bully.Narrate the scene to expose the cycle, and remember complaining is only tossing them more bully snacks.

Everyone is a target of bullying at some point. When the bully succeeds, the target is victimized. The more that happens, the easier it is to take on a victim identity.Seeing yourself as a victim is bully food. Break out of victim behaviors and the bully behaviors that follow.This episode is about social mistakes that could leave you open to bullyingToo IMPRESSIVE comes off as I’m better than you, and too INDEPENDENT comes off as I don’t need you.Ironically, we do both to impress people because we believe we need them, which is coping by over compensating. This all comes off as overly dependent and not impressive at all.Bragging…we try to get people to like us by making sure they know all the greatest things about us. We think they’ll like us better, but it’s like we think we’re better.Know-it-all…we give unwanted advice, opinions, answers to show how wise and helpful we are, but we crowd others’ ideas and make them feel dumb or that we can’t be wrong.Bossing others around.Feeling sorry for yourself…we let disappointments, setbacks, fears and criticism get in the way of enjoying life. We want empathy and validation, but we drag others down.Being a sore loser…we have to be the best and get bent out of shape when we lose or somebody else wins.Saying sorry too often or never apologizing…we assume blame or deny any responsibility to keep others from being angry, but we end up looking weak.White lies…sometimes we tell small lies or omit the truth to save face or keep the peace. This includes not being upfront with how we actually feel, expecting others to guess. They can tell, and we seem shady.People pleasing…we prioritize what others seem to want in order to keep them around. Seems nice, but it’s manipulative.Trying to be perfect…we over compensate to hide our weaknesses. Refusing to ask for help…we wouldn’t want to seem needy, but we miss this great chance for connection with others. Nobody’s perfect, join the crowd.And worst of all HUNGRY for attention—not being willing to believe it when somebody isn’t worth your time or effort and instead letting them walk all over you.We do all these things to be appreciated and have social success, but they don’t work!So STOP IT!Instead, do what it takes to achieve what you’re after.Instead of bragging, hold back the coolest things about yourself. Let people find out naturally as time goes on. Let them earn it over the course of true friendship. Anything cool seems even cooler when you didn’t feel the need to bring it up immediately or rub it in others faces.Instead of telling white lies, let people know the truth as you see it.And rather than pleasing people to get something from them, do what pleases you and bring them in on the fun. I don’t mean to never cooperate, but don’t do it just to get something from others.We all feel sorry for ourselves at times, but a great way to snap out of it, and an even better way to keep others around is gratitude. Be grateful for what’s going well and what you did do right even in the situation you’re feeling sorry about.Show your weaknesses and admit to your mistakes instead of trying to be perfect. People love to see you accept your own flaws because that means you’ll accept theirs too.

Everyone is a target of bullying at some point. When the bully succeeds, the target is victimized. The more that happens, the easier it is to take on a victim identity.Seeing yourself as a victim is bully food. Break out of victim behaviors and the bully behaviors that follow.This episode is about social mistakes that could leave you open to bullyingToo IMPRESSIVE comes off as I’m better than you, and too INDEPENDENT comes off as I don’t need you.Ironically, we do both to impress people because we believe we need them, which is coping by over compensating. This all comes off as overly dependent and not impressive at all.Bragging…we try to get people to like us by making sure they know all the greatest things about us. We think they’ll like us better, but it’s like we think we’re better.Know-it-all…we give unwanted advice, opinions, answers to show how wise and helpful we are, but we crowd others’ ideas and make them feel dumb or that we can’t be wrong.BossyFeeling sorry for yourself…we let disappointments, setbacks, fears and criticism get in the way of enjoying life. We want empathy and validation, but we drag others down.Being a sore loser…we have to be the best and get bent out of shape when we lose or somebody else wins.Saying sorry too often or never apologizing…we assume blame or deny any responsibility to keep others from being angry, but we end up looking weak.White lies…sometimes we tell small lies or omit the truth to save face or keep the peace. This includes not being upfront with how we actually feel, expecting others to guess. They can tell, and we seem shady.People pleasing…we prioritize what others seem to want in order to keep them around. Seems nice, but it’s manipulative.Trying to be perfect…we over compensate to hide our weaknesses. Refusing to ask for help…we wouldn’t want to seem needy, but we miss this great chance for connection with others. Nobody’s perfect, join the crowd.And worst of all HUNGRY for attention—not being willing to believe it when somebody isn’t worth your time or effort and instead letting them walk all over you.We do all these things to be appreciated and have social success, but they don’t work!So STOP IT!Instead, do what it takes to achieve what you’re after.Instead of bragging, hold back the coolest things about yourself. Let people find out naturally as time goes on. Let them earn it over the course of true friendship. Anything cool seems even cooler when you didn’t feel the need to bring it up immediately or rub it in others faces.Instead of telling white lies, let people know the truth as you see it.And rather than pleasing people to get something from them, do what pleases you and bring them in on the fun. I don’t mean to never cooperate, but don’t do it just to get something from others.We all feel sorry for ourselves at times, but a great way to snap out of it, and an even better way to keep others around is gratitude. Be grateful for what’s going well and what you did do right even in the situation you’re feeling sorry about.Show your weaknesses and admit to your mistakes instead of trying to be perfect. People love to see you accept your own flaws because that means you’ll accept theirs too.

Anti-bully mindset: I don’t want attention. I won’t try to get your attention, I won’t try to keep your attention, I feel good without your attention, I feel good with your attention as long as it’s enjoyable and doesn’t get boring.Frame everything the bully does as an opportunity to give yourself what you deserve: confidence, self-respect, humor, self-reliance, recognition for doing what's right. Whatever the bully does is an opportunity to show everyone you don’t seek attention, especially if it’s theirs.Here we go into detail about exactly how an anti-bully responds to classic bully moves. This is going to be a long one but you can skip around to find the strategies that will work best against your bully. I'll go in order of the list below. See if you can anticipate how a person who doesn’t want attention would handle each bully tactic.What to do when the bully:Disregards youFalsely accuses or makes mountains out of molehillsGives the silent treatmentSets a double standards, break rules or make them up on the flyIntimidates youIsolates youMood swingsSays mean thingsBullies onlineIgnores youGossips and spreads rumorsInvades your privacyIntrudes and imposes on youPhysical aggression or crossing the linePunishmentsSteals creditSteals, hides, damages your propertyThreatens youWithholds informationUses emotional controlGangs upHarasses you or uses violence

Bullies disregard us, make false accusations, give the silent treatment, set double standards, break rules or make them up as they go along, intimidate and isolate us, optimize their mood swings, verbally abuse us in person and online, gossip, pass rumors, ignore us, invade our privacy, intrude and impose, use physical aggression and inappropriately cross the line, punish, steal our thunder and our property, threaten, withhold information, use emotional control like gaslighting, and other tricks and pranks, all to gang up and be mean. Sometimes they cross over into harassment and violence, which is when we must turn them over to the authorities.But what does an anti-bully do with all the bully's tactics?In next week’s episode, we’ll break down particular strategies to use in each of these cases, but it all starts with one general approach.What you need to notice first is how these moves are all based on the same strategy: The bully seeks to deprive you.So you must act like you don’t want what they are trying to take away.And what are they trying to take from you?? ATTENTION.Attention to your needs (to make you hungry and desperate), validation of your choices (so you go their way instead), kindness and consideration (sad and hurt), attention to rules and social norms (confused and disadvantaged), time and energy, connection, inclusion, cooperation (isolated and lonely).Act like you don’t want any of it, and soon you’ll find you don’t need it, especially from them.You’ll realize you have everything you need within you already, and you don’t need others to light you up.Make it an inside joke with yourself to act self-fulfilled and sustained.You don’t want anything from anyone.You might be thinking, but Kelly, how do I pretend to not want anyone’s attention?And I tell you this: Use your imagination. ACT. Fake it until you make it. Fake it until you realize you’re fine without others’ attention most of the time.Depend on yourself and shine bright from within. You’ll be like a magnet.People are drawn in when they see you with something to give with no need to take. They are repelled when you seem needy with nothing to offer them.You’ll have more attention than you could ever want sooner than you think, when you seem like you’re all set and good to go no matter what. At that point you’ll have your pick, and you can choose who to allow and who to deny.Next time we’ll look at how to apply this anti-bully strategy to each of the bully’s tactics.Until then, practice! Act like you don’t want anyone’s attention, and have a good week.

Someone’s mindset determines how they think and behave most of the time. It’s where they’re coming from. It’s how they treat just about everyone. The bully’s mindset is our topic today, and next week we’ll move to the tactics they use.Having these traits doesn’t necessarily mean a person is a bully, but all bullies think in the following ways because hurting others is their mindset.They try to cut us off from friends, fun, security and ultimately our own sense of self.FRIENDSTriangulation and Shouldering Out: People bond over a commonality. In triangulation and shouldering out, they bond over a common enemy or outsider.Ego Binge: The bully wins when they take others down. Beating an adversary or competitor is a way for anyone to feel like they’ve won, but it’s the only way a bully feels they’ve won. They might break a past personal best record, but this will mean little to nothing to them because they want to feel better than others. Being better than their past self isn’t enough. Unfair comparisons: This comes out of a competitive mindset. Who’s best, strongest, smartest, unrealistic standards.FUNResist and Reject Positivity: Their mantra is keep it negative. They won’t laugh (unless it’s to belittle), won’t play along (unless it’s to gang up), won’t accept (unless it’s to create in-group/out-group), won’t try new things (unless it’s to make fun of them), won’t listen (unless it’s predatory listening), won’t empathize (unless it’s manipulative).Isolate: The bully feels deeply disconnected from others. They are always in it alone, and their targets must be as well. Deep down bullies crave connection and friendship and because they believe they can’t get it without coercion and control, they opt for the next best thing: control. They understand isolation well and use it to divide you from good people, good feelings and a good time.SECURITYAggressive or Passive Aggressive: The point here is to be against something but not in favor of something else. Aggression is for going against something or someone in a direct way. Passive aggression is to do the same thing but in a way that goes undetected. Both are destructive (tearing down) not constructive (building up). Assertiveness can look a lot like aggression, but it’s different in that the intent behind it is collaborative repair and constructiveness.Victimize: If someone else feels disempowered it translates as power to a bully as long as the bully feels superior to the victim and especially if they were the one who victimized the victim. Bullies also love to play the victim so that they can blame their target. Threat and blame are two ways to take away another’s sense of security.SENSE OF SELFCause You To Second Guess: they call into question our feelings, opinions, preferences, sense of the situation or memory of what happened before. Tell you how you feel, what you think, who you like, what you’re worth. This is imposing a mood or frame on you.Gossip: Talking about the things that will keep people down. Not just the people being gossiped about but the listening gossipers too. Negative topics that bring about shame, fear, anger, guilt keep people lower than the bully in the minds of others and in their own minds.

Today’s episode is a reminder to remember that the bully is the wrong one.Steven Pressfield said, “A bully has no power of their own. Their power derives entirely from our fear of it.”If a bully’s power is built from our fears, then we can pull the plug on their power over us at any time. They are only powerful if we empower them.To halt their power to remove the bf we have to see them as wrong not scary.Of course we know bullies are wrong in a general way, but the closer they get to us, the stronger their power to influence us becomes, which leaves us likely to second guess ourselves.Bullies push their agenda and opinions on us constantly.The more they can crowd your mind with thoughts of them and what they think, the more you’ll go along with them.People go along with them whether they agree or not because bullies are scary.Bullies break rules and social norms, which adds to their power of intimidation and manipulation.One reason the bullied get bullied is a tendency to consider others before themselves.This tendency leads some of us to assume we’re the wrong one whenever another person disagrees.It’s a fawn response (trying to keep the peace and make others like us and less likely to hurt us).We all know threat responses ffff have the opposite effect with bullies because our anxiety is BF.When we give in to others as a default, we enable friends to do things we don’t want because we fear not being liked, and we enable bullies out of that fear too.Enabling others out of fear is the definition of bully food.And we set ourselves up to be in a power imbalance.Initially this tendency to over compromise ourselves can make us seem like ideal friends. We set our own perspective aside to see another’s point of view. They feel seen and valued by us. Who could be a better friend?It’s when we allow our standards and boundaries to be challenged and maybe even dictated to us that the quality turns bad.Compromise means BOTH people are respected.Real friends want to compromise. ALWAYS. They want to share. They want to invest. They want to cooperate and collaborate.Why? Because friends want a balance of power so the relationship can be mutually beneficial. Give and take. Friends want this because it’s healthy. It’s what makes the friendship strong. IT’S WHAT’S RIGHT.Unfortunately, compromise is off the table with bullies. They are unwilling...Only they can be right, and therefore you must be wrong. Your tendency to assume others are right fails you dealing with the bully because they will only take advantage of it and build their power off you like a parasite.This is why you must train yourself to remember they are the wrong ones. Until they can learn to cooperate and treats others with respect and kindness, they are WRONG.Their strategy fails to get them what they want (security and connection) because it’s toxic.And here’s why:Bullies are jerks simply because they are too insecure to believe they can get along with others.So they learn to see every interaction as a chance for power. That’s it.Sadly the power they seek is a misguided attempt to get security and connection, and mistreatment of others is the exact wrong way to go about it.So at the most basic behavioral level they are wrong, and everything they do from that point forward will be wrong too.You have to train yourself to do two things: assume they are wrong and be brave enough to call it out.

Make yourself laugh, and you set the frame. This is the most fun way to build self-acceptance.Inside jokes are designed to bring some people in and leave others out. They are wonderful between friends, but they are also a classic bully move, and I love using bully tactics for good.By having inside jokes with yourself, you bring yourself in and leave the world out. This isn’t full exclusion only partial denial…basically we let the world wonder what makes us tick, which sparks their curiosity.We never let them in on the joke, setting boundaries is empowering, but we invite them to join us on a funny adventure just by being playful.The ability to self-amuse shows you don’t depend on others to have fun.Anti-bullies are non-needy and can remain calm, the opposite of bf qualities like reactiveness and anxious agitation.Being able to laugh at yourself first, others are far more likely to laugh with you than at you. And having a good time brings you into the moment, making you present and aware.Plus you’ll be able have a great time in any situation if your main goal is to amuse yourself.And you always get to be the judge of how things go, because you’re the comedian and the audience.Listen for some of my favorites ways I make myself laugh!Whenever you self-amuse it’s an inside joke with yourself.Inside jokes are meant to go undetected, which means you shouldn’t overdo it or reveal it.Bullies use inside jokes to exclude people: They don’t want to uplift anybody with humor, so the joke is no more than mean sarcasm, and it’s seems inside but they make sure it’s revealed to hurt the target.To reverse the power of an inside joke from divisive to self-accepting, you must keep it chill and private. Nobody can think you’re doing it at their expense or to leave them out.It’s about having fun on your own and accepting yourself as one of the most fun people around.I cannot stress this enough: They joke is for you. It’s never about making others laugh. As soon as you do it to make others laugh, it looses its power for you and for them.You might as well hop back into your clown car because you’re acting a fool.These jokes are to make you laugh on the inside, and the happy side effect will be others’ appreciation.You make your own fun, others will see you as fun. You accept yourself, others will accept you on your terms.Have fun coming up with some good ones!

The first thing to know about all bullies is they are ALL hungry.What I mean by hunger in a social sense is desperately wanting to get approval, recognition, status and connection with others.Bullies are hungry in two main ways:One, they will do anything to get better at bullying because they think it’s the only way they can get ahead socially.Two, they are desperate tryhards, which is how you should view them and treat them.Bullies are hungry for attention, approval, validation, connection, but instead of getting it through acceptance, they get it through the rejection of someone else.They think they need to knock others down or out of the way to get what they want, which is power. But they disempower themselves in the process because they’re too hungry. All they can ever be in bully mode is a low down jerk.TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN:Hungry equals desperate and trying too hard for attention. Bullies do anything to get others rejected, and their victims are desperate to be accepted. Both are hungry.They are just as insecure and definitely more pathetic than any of their targets or victims. The bully thinks they’d be targeted if they weren’t the first to attack.Bullies and their targeted victims are coming from the same place: fear of rejection, isolation and abandonment.The bullied and the bully are two sides of the same coin, and that coin is competition for social position.They are just as hungry in the dynamic as you. You want to fit in, and so do they. You just do it in opposite ways.BECOME AN ANTI-BULLY:So what’s the solution? How do you stop being hungry and use the bully’s hunger to your advantage?First we must ask how does either one (the bullied one or the bully) get out of the cycle? No surprise, the answer is the same for both…The answer is don’t be either. Don’t be a bully and don’t be bullied. Be an anti-bully instead.Let them continue to try hard and over compensate, but you become an anti-bully.Anti-bullies refuse to depend on others for approval. Anti-bullies validate themselves, which is why they cannot be a victim or a bully. They will not change or cower to be accepted no matter how weak they feel, nor will they tear someone down to get ahead even if they’re powerful enough to do so.Once you stop trying for the bully’s acceptance, they’ll no longer be able to deprive you of it.What deprives you feeds them. In the bullying cycle both people are hungry but only the bully gets fed. The bully feeds on your deprivation.The moment you stop your appetite for approval/validation/acceptance/peace from them or anyone else, is the moment you cut off their supply because they cannot feel fed by your hunger anymore.All that will be left is their hunger (need to see others rejected).What happens next is their hunger will double.For a short time they will try even harder to take from you, diminish you, damage you, degrade you…their hope is to make you feel awful, so you’ll get hungry once again for approval.The catch is it won’t seem so awful when you see the most important thing:YOU HAVE MADE THEM HUNGRIER.Let this sink in. If you make them hungrier, what does that tell you? You’ve stopped the bully food, yes. You’ve stopped the cycle of bullying, yes. You were an anti-bully, yes.Anti-bullies don’t get bullied, and they don’t bully others.They accept themselves and they accept others.Accept yourself first and foremost. Accept that some people suit you in life and others don’t, but nobody is worth handing over your power.