Speak their language.

There’s a difference between bullying them back (fight) and showing them you speak their language (acceptance—you’ll mirror them, match them, be like them). The first is retaliation, which is weak and potentially dangerous. Speaking their language isn’t about becoming a bully, it’s showing the bully you know how to play their game and that you’ve got their number.

The first is resorting to their methods, which is just another way of going down their path (reacting). The second, speaking their language, is making yourself relatable to them (without stooping to their level) so that they get your message (response).

With a bully, you must show them your true self (the side of you who judges them as unworthy of your time, energy and attention), but you must also do it in a way that they can relate to. What does a bully relate to? What they recognize: Bullying.

As we’ve discussed before, the body sends out non-verbal signals that words don’t express. And body language experts often point out that our words may or may not  be honest, but the body never lies.

I want you to learn and practice the bully’s stance to get a sense of who they are and how they feel. I’d also like you to be able to use the bully stance in times when you need to communicate clearly with a bully.

Bully stance: Shoulders back. Chest out. Leaning in or moving slightly forward. Head straight (no tilting) with chin and jaw jutting out a bit. Nodding with wide open eyes looking straight at them.

Bullies are open and moving in, coming straight for you. Their voice volume is louder, and they end their statements with a drop tone.

They do this because they are looking for victims. Anyone who backs off, leans back, looks away, tries to be nice, fails their test, and the bully will see them as a target. Any tendency to protect yourself will smell like bully food to them.

The victim stance is a natural reaction, unless you’ve practiced the bully stance ahead of time.

When the bully charges forward toward you, it’s a test. The way to pass is to lean into it.

Body language is emotional. It comes from our emotions, and it generates emotions too. When you’re happy you smile, but when you smile you start to feel happier.

The reason I remind you of this is to make sure you practice the bully stance in a place you feel safe at first.

Posturing like a bully might feel very strange to you especially if your default is to go into a self-protective position around the bully. It’s okay if it feels weird or even upsetting to stand like a bully at first. That’s just the nerves of doing something new.

Remember self-protective gestures may feel natural, but the bully is less likely to make you a target, if they recognize you as more like them.

Also, the majority of bullies are not a physical danger to you, however, if you have assessed they could be a real safety threat in that way, that they could go past bullying into violent assault, then you must factor that into what you feel comfortable doing in response to them.

Returning the bully stance back to the bully is a warning that you speak their language, it’s NOT an act of bullying. It’s a response to the situation they’ve initiated.

This is exactly why you should never initiate a bully stance yourself, or you will be perceived as the bully.

Just by practicing the bully’s stance, you will take on some of that body language as natural and automatic. This means you’ll express it at the right time without you having to think of it, and it will feel normal to you. Imagine doing it in response to the bully doing it first to you.